new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
