The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
