This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
