so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
love makes seman taste better
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
