I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
