last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize