The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
