filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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