i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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