I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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