Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
