He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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