The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize