end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
