I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
