i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i can't believe i had my finger in that
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
