filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
