That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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