I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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