Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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