shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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