got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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