carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
