I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
