I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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