i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
