Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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