Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
