I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
