I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
