i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
