My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
