Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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