What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
