How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
