During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
