Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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