allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
