I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
