my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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