so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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