The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
do nipples grow back?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize