Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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