Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
