Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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