i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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