Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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