Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
