So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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