The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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