Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize