I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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