I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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