I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
