He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize