I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
