I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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