so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
