I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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